Thursday, March 12, 2015

You want her, but she wants her ex..

I know this happens the other way around but this time the question came from a man so I'm going to speak to the man. I believe this information can work the other way around as well.

You have to understand "soul-ties." It has been described many ways but to put it simply, a soul-tie is an emotional and spiritual connection between two people that is very hard to break. A soul-tie is like an addiction to a person and certain feelings. The way I'd describe it is; the body becomes addicted to the releases from the brain during the relationship. A person can become addicted to the drama, the sex, and many other things that trigger a release of certain chemicals from the brain. A lot of times it's not love it's an addiction. We get accustomed to the "feelings."

How do you detect a "soul-tie?" 
You have to check the "relationship resume." That is another one of my terms. It's no different than a job resume, but it's her relationship history. You need to find out how many relationships she has been in. You need to find out when was her last relationship. You need to find out how serious it was and how long did it last. You need to ask questions about the type of guy he was. You have to have a genuine interest in what's on her heart. If she's fresh out of a relationship where sex was involved, she  definitely has a soul tie to that man. If she was in a very long relationship and leaving wasn't her choice, she has a soul tie. Even if she chose to leave, she may still have a soul tie. Listen to her heart. You'll be able to tell if she's still hurting. She may get angry, depressed, quiet, or even start crying. Her countenance will change if she still has a strong tie to her ex.

What to do if she has a soul-tie with her ex? 
Just be her friend. Speak life into her. Show her what a real man looks like. Be there for her and don't put your whole heart into her yet. Put her in the friend zone and support her growth. Recommend a life coach that you've screened and you feel may be a good fit. Aid her in her healing while getting to know her. In this time you may find out that she's not the one for you. On the other hand you may find out that she is the one for you. If that's the case then now you've built on friendship which is a good start. You have to make the decision early if she's going to be a friend or if she's going to be your future wife. Oftentimes you have to help heal a woman's heart before you can have her heart. If you don't make a decision then you will get strung along and it could cause resentment if you don't really know the role you want to play in her life.

What to do if you're in a relationship and you recognize she still has a soul-tie with her ex? 
You have to let her go. It's not fair to you nor is it smart of you to be with her if she is still communicating with her ex in emotional or physical exchanges. She may not want you to leave because she may like having both. But if she still loves her ex and he makes the right moves she will leave you in a heartbeat. If you wait until that point you will be left feeling suicidal or homicidal. Recognize the signs and be man enough to step back. You shouldn't knowingly compete with another man. That can be very dangerous. Actually, I just heard tell of a boyfriend who had to kill his girlfriends ex-boyfriend because the ex showed up and a fight started. They both had guns and took shots but the ex was killed. Men are territorial. If you know that a woman is still tied to her ex in an emotional way then it's best that you step out of the way so things don't escalate and throw your life and focus off course.

I believe this same info can be used for a woman who is dealing with a man who is still dealing with his ex emotionally or physically. Your partner may have kids with their ex but that doesn't mean they have to be emotionally involved with their ex. Your partner should only be emotionally involved with the kids. It should be almost like a business transaction between your partner and their ex. It shouldn't be too personal and intrusive into your relationship. If your partner can't get their ex to respect your relationship then you need to pull back so they can have each other without dragging you in the middle of their on-going love and war.

Bless you,
Tony G.

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  1. I had a 18 year soul tie. When we met I fell for him instantly. We dated for a few months and I fell in love, so I thought. He walked away from the relationship. Shortly after I found out he was seeing someone else. Still we hooked up on and off for 10 years. Then I found the strength to walk away for a real relationship. We communicated from time to time during that relationship. I compared him to my partner on many occasions. I just couldn't get him out of my mind. Five years ago while going through a breakup we hooked up again. Then he moved on to someone else. Now I am single and he is in a unhappy relationship. We started communicating again a few months ago and it became too much emotionally when he confessed he was already in a relationship when we met 18 years ago, which means our relationship was built on lies. I shut it down after watching your video on soul ties. To make things worse we attend the same church service which makes it difficult to to totally forget. For 18 years I thought it was love only to learn about it was a soul tie. I feel horrible. What advice can you give me?

  2. Exactly the situation I'm in right now.

  3. Question: Why is it that guys move on so fast after a long term relationship (3 years & up)