Saturday, April 18, 2015

Removing Toxic People

You have to get to the point that you're able to recognize the people in your life who are draining you. You can't focus when you're drained. You can't achieve your goals or even complete your daily tasks if you're drained.

It may be friends or family. As long as the person isn't your dependent, you can cut them off. Some people believe that you can't cut off family. I disagree. Why should I let you stress me to my grave just because you're family? The fact that they are family should mean they are trying to make your life better. If someone is making your days worse, they aren't family. They are enemies disguised as family. A stranger shouldn't treat you better than your family does.

Don't get trapped thinking that you can't move on with your life just because you've known someone all your life.

I refuse to be held back in the name of family. I refuse to be stressed to death in the name of family. I refused to be verbal and emotionally abused in the name of family. If you are adding stress to my life, you aren't family. You're no better than an adversary.

(this blog was typed on my phone and delivered by email)

Tony A. Gaskins Jr.

"A vision without action is a dream. Action without a vision is a nightmare!"

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Why won't he marry you?

I received a question from a young lady who is waiting on her man to marry her. It's been a few years and she's wondering when will the proposal come.

That's a scary place to be in. You have to decide your own timeline because there are too many examples of good and bad turnouts to count statistics. I know people who have been together for over 30 years and never got married. I also know people who were together 5-10 years before they got married. I know people who were together 10 years and broke up without ever getting married.

Weigh the pro's and cons. The only benefit to long-term dating is that you get to know a person really well. The cons are endless. You can have a baby out of wedlock and have no real stability. You can have a baby and then get left and have no real stability. You can give years of your life and still not a get a ring. You can give years of your life and then get left for someone else. You can give years of your life and then get cheated on and have to watch someone else have a baby from your man before you get a ring. All of those things happen every day. You have to ask yourself is it worth it?

I'll speak for myself as a man. I married my wife after only 10 months of dating. I knew from the first 6-hour conversation we had that she was my wife. I married her at 23 years old. I wasn't ready for marriage but I knew she was the one and I didn't want to let her get away. We grew together in marriage and we built everything we have together.

It's my belief that every man who is with the woman who he truly sees as his wife will propose within 3 years. Most men who have that type of woman will propose within 12 months. I believe that if a man will date you for 3-5 years and he hasn't proposed, he passing time. You're his number one but he's open to your replacement stepping into his life. He's not ready for marriage and he's not willing to take a chance on you. He's passing time to see if he meets someone better and if he doesn't then he will give in and settle for you. It's that or he wants to make money first and become "stable." That's scary because he could leave any day and you have nothing to show for the relationship other than a broken heart.

I believe we should all have a timeline. For me, my timeline would be 12 months for a proposal. After 12 months of an exclusive and consistent relationship, if there isn't a proposal that's a red flag. Something in the relationship needs to be addressed. This doesn't apply to people under 25 years of age. If you're under 25 you really shouldn't be thinking about marriage. You really should be more focused on your dreams. My marriage is an exception to the rule. It's not the norm.

If over 25 years old, we should have an idea of what we want. If you've been in a relationship for two years and you're not engaged, y'all need to have serious conversation.

Here are the top excuses.
1. I want to be financially secure before I get married.
My response: A relationship is intended to build together. If you're both at the same financial level then you can build together from the ground up. Realistically you may never be financially stable. Also, if you become financially stable all on your own you may not feel the need to keep the same partner.

2. I want to be sure you're the right person.
My response: If you've been together for more than two years and you're still not sure, you're with the wrong person.

3. I want to make sure I've gotten "it" out of my system.
My response: Whatever "it" is will never be out of your system. You will have to learn how to control the urge to cheat, get drunk, club, do drugs, gamble or whatever "it" is. Nothing just leaves. There will always be temptation. You have to mature to the point that you can have self-control.

Those are the top 3 excuses I hear the most. I can tell you as a man, you will never feel 100% ready for marriage, because the thought of only sleeping with one woman for life scares 99.9% of men to death. If you're even 50% ready and you know you have a good woman you have to let God meet you half way and carry you. Women are wired differently. Many women feel ready for marriage as young as 18-25 but men may not feel ready until 30-40. We are made differently and we have to understand and respect that. We have to work together and find a healthy compromise.

It's time to have a talk if you've been in a relationship for 3 or more years and you're over the age of 25. It's time to get real and see what's holding up the marriage. Then make a decision. Are you willing to roll the dice and continue to wait? Or is it time to realize that you're with the wrong person? It will never be easy but life is too short to waste time.

Bless you,
Tony G.

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