Do you have those friends who come to you with their problems all the time and you pour your heart out only to find that they are right back in the same toxic relationship? You answer the phone in the middle of the night. You talk for hours. You talk day-in and day-out and then they take all of your advice, wipe their butt with it and go right back to their terrible relationship. Sometimes when they go back the toxic lover makes them cut you off for a while.
What should you do about? You have to live what you preach. You keep telling them not to go back to someone who keeps doing the same thing over and over again; but you keep going back to them and letting them drain you over and over again.
Them talking about it with you is giving them the illusion that they are doing something about it. They begin to feel that talking about it is "action." They talk about it and think that because you listened, they fixed the problem. Then they go back and find out that nothing has changed.
Here's what I'd do for my friend. I'll pour my heart out about three times. After I've poured my heart out three times, I can't keep doing it if no changes are being made.
I will tell my "friend:" Look, I love you and all but I don't have the time or the breath to keep wasting on your toxic relationship that you refuse to leave. We can be friends but you will need to hire a relationship coach so that as you're wasting your time you will feel it because you'll be wasting your money. I'm guessing that if the toxic relationship is causing you to go broke and lose friends then maybe you'll realize how toxic this relationship is and find the strength to leave.
Then you have to stick to it. When your friend wants to bring up the toxic relationship you have to stop them right there and let them know that you love them but you don't want to hear about it. If they see that you as a close friend think it's so ridiculous that you don't even want to hear about it then it may help them leave. But if you reinforce your friend by always being there then you're not being a real friend. Sometimes "helping" becomes "hindering."
You have to demonstrate to your friend what a toxic relationship does to us when we stay in it. We lose everything. We lose our mind. We lose our money. We lose our friends. If you help create that loss by removing yourself from the situation and let them know you're doing it out of love, it may get through to them.
What if you're the friend in the toxic relationship? You need to know that your close friends and family only want the best for you. No one is jealous of you. No one is jealous of you being cheated on, beat on, lied to, used, manipulated or whatever else is going on. Everyone around you wants to see you do better. They know you can do better. They just are hoping that you can see yourself the way they do.
Take a chance and listen to your close friends and family. Love shouldn't hurt you. Love shouldn't drain you. Love shouldn't isolate you from those you love. You have to open your eyes to the signs and be willing to make changes. If you don't you will end up on an island where no one can hear your screams when you need them the most.
Stop talking your friends to death about that dead end relationship and make the changes you know you need to make!
Bless you!
Tony G.
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having had been in a five-year abusive relationship myself, I now realize that people who complain about the relationships they are in, especially on social media, are looking for help but don't know how to find it. I would complain about the bad situation I was in, but I didn't leave it because it was the closest thing I thought I had to love at the time. Everyone would say well you're the one choosing to stay having not an inkling of a clue what I was going through internally. I've been out of that relationship since 2010 and in the last few years I've really gotten into church. God is the love that I was always searching for, but to tell someone that they are stupid or to make the victim into the bad guy is ignorance. God doesn't turn away or belittle or bad mouth those who are suffering, so neither should we, no matter how frustrating it is. we should speak on the positives, the truth, God's love, and what love really is, vs. speaking on the negatives we're trying to make them leave. Instead we should be showing them what real happiness and love looks like so that they want to leave for themselves and on their own. people never change until they truly want to For themselves.
ReplyDeleteThis isn't about making you feel like you're stupid. It's about not enabling you. Sometimes the truth hurts but we have to hear it. A human isn't God and sometimes a person has to get out of the way so you can find God instead of trying to play God.
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DeleteThe hardest lessons to learn are the games we play with ourselves. I found that I stayed in a toxic relationship because I was trying to prove something to myself. I felt that him not loving me the right way was a failure and I didn't like to be wrong. I was really trying to prove that I could make someone who doesn't know how to love, love me. That's ego, not love.
ReplyDeleteI didn't realize that I was playing games with myself until I many years later. Now that I know, I share my experience with other people.
DeleteI see your point of view.. I think I've been doing the same thing and I need to stop.. even the 4 year anniversary was like pretend.
DeleteThe real you, your soul, is that voice in your head telling you that something is not right, or that something is missing. It doesn't feel like a complete love. The ego is more connected to your physical body and outward validation which is why we feel there is something wrong with us when something outside of ourselves didn't validate us by doing what we wanted them to. I took a sleeping pill. I hope that made sense.
ReplyDeleteLove this blog!!!. I make sure to check in to read the latest entry. Keep up the good work Tony. You have educated a lot of women, many of us wish we had read these articles and your FB post before we made a mess of our lives. But God heals and restores; so we all must go forward in Jesus name.
ReplyDeleteCan I tell you how happy I am that you have a blog now?!?!!! :) Now I can share your content all over the place. Really appreciate your candor, honesty and willingness to call things what they are. I'm hoping you add your car chronicles - those are little gems for sure. Much love to you and your family!
ReplyDeleteI love this blog. you said it well
Deletewhy do people continue to go back into relationships like this especially when they know they are being mistreated, used. Women seem to be more prone to doing this than men. A man will put them down, belittle them, use them, make them feel stupid, worthless, and totally disrespect them. Walks away. Then just as the person, with help from others, start to gain self confidence and self respect, they allow the abuser loser back into their lives. Your article about not having relationships with Exes was right on but so many, especially women, keep repeating the same cycle. I have a friend that has great supportive person but as soon as she begins to gain confidence, she allows the ex back in and he uses her like a piece of meat, begins controlling again, and when she dips to a low again, he moves leaves again for another piece of meat. Why, can someone explain why?
ReplyDeleteWell said Tony Gaskin.
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