Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Are men influenced by their friends to cheat?

Do you want to believe that your man only cheated because his friends pressured him to?

Well, that's not the case. Peer pressure ends in high school for most men. Some men will go into their adulthood still following the crowd, but most men make decisions for themselves even if it is what everyone else is doing. He did it because he wanted to do it.

Contrary to the popular belief of most women, men are actually supportive of their faithful friends. Deep down every man wants to find the strength to be 100% committed to one woman at some point in his life. Therefore when he sees a man who has the strength to be committed, he admires him. If he's a real friend he will never ask him to cheat. The cheating man really desires to graduate to the faithful life one day.

Men who cheat will talk about it in their circle but they won't tell their friends to cheat. The only time men support cheating is when they feel their friend is being taken advantage of or being cheated on. There may be some opportunities to cheat but no man wants to be the reason for another man's breakup. It's just not the case. If your man cheats on you it's because he wanted to. He may use his friend as a scapegoat but it's not his friend's fault that he cheated. He made the decision as a grown-boy to cheat on you. He has to pay the consequences for that.

I've been around some of the biggest dogs in the world and they wouldn't encourage me or any other man in a relationship to cheat. A relationship is seen as God's work and it's respected by most people who are on the outside looking in. Yes, there are some homewreckers but it's not as common as you may think.

So if your guy is having a "guys night" every week and you know he's actually with his friends, that may just be a healthy time that he needs to wind down. If he turns that time into his time to cheat, hold him accountable and don't let him use his friend as a scapegoat even if his friend did influence him to cheat. A grown man has to be able to make healthy choices based on what's best for his life, no excuses.

Tony A. Gaskins jr.

*This question was submitted by a reader. To submit a question please email advice@tonygaskins.com

Are you insecure in your relationship?

Are you insecure in your relationship?

Do you question your partner too often?

Why are you insecure?

There are few main reasons that people are insecure in their relationship.
1. You've been cheated on before: If this is the case that means you need to heal. If you've moved on to a new relationship and now you're questioning your partner for no good reason that means you're still damaged goods. If you've been cheated on by your current partner and you haven't forgiven, that's an issue as well. You may need to take a break from relationships and take time to heal before you deal. Take a course like Real Love University. Read a book like Real Love. Fall in love with yourself and date yourself for a while. Once you find it in your heart to forgive your ex for the pain they've caused and you're bored with single life, you can move on. Bored with single life doesn't mean you're desperate for love. It means that you're ready for the next chapter in your life.

2. You have low self-esteem: If this is the case you have to change the messaging that you've been speaking to yourself. You may need to hire a life coach and hear positive affirmations weekly. You may need to do a few sessions with a therapist to understand the root issues. You also need to stop comparing yourself to others. Know that you are enough and that you are worthy of love. Once you get it in your mind that you deserve the love you have, then you can begin to enjoy it.

3. You're cheating or thinking about cheating: This fact is something that people don't like to confront. A lot of times we accuse our partner of doing things that we've done or thinking about doing. We know if put in certain situations we would cheat or consider it, so we automatically assume our partner would do the same. "It sounds like you have a guilty conscience!" Have you ever been told that? If so, that's exactly what it is. Once you tidy up your life and your heart is in order, you'll stop assuming that your partner has bad intentions for the relationship.

Those are just a few reasons you might be insecure in your relationship. It's important that you take time to heal from the past and make sure that you're balanced in life before you get into another relationship. A relationship should be free of insecurities.

Insecurities in a relationship are like termites in a house. Eventually they will destroy it. ~Tony A. Gaskins Jr.

*This topic was submitted by a reader. To submit a topic/question please email advice@tonygaskins.com

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Check The Relationship Resume...

As I was browsing online doing some research, I saw a celebrity man dating about his 10th celebrity woman. This man has been with several celebrity women and still trying to add to the list. For some reason the next celeb woman always thinks she's the one he's serious about. The man does just enough to prove to the woman that he's serious, even if that means getting engaged and impregnating her. He gets what he wants and makes it look real for long enough and then he sabotages the relationship so he can move on to the next woman.

Some men don't want to be with one woman for the rest of their lives. Some men want to but can't seem to find the self-control to do so. You have to look at a man's relationship resume and then ask yourself, is it worth the risk. A lot of men today don't mind spending two years of their life with a woman and then moving on to the next two-year relationship. To those men it's a great way to live out their days. They bounce around to different types of women and fulfill all of their boyhood fantasies. It takes a real man with integrity, and self-control to settle down with one woman. It seems that those real men are becoming very few. It's sad to witness but it's true. Women have to learn how to protect themselves more than ever. A woman has to have a set of guidelines she looks at before entering a relationship with a man. Below are some things she can do.

1. Evaluate the Man!

  • How old is he? If he's over 35 and he's never been married, there needs to be some clear reasons as to why. If he's under 35 you have to make sure he's ready for marriage.
  • Has he ever been married? If he's over 35-40 and he's never been married that may be a reason to worry. It could mean he's a playboy or he's afraid of commitment. If he's been married before, it's actually a good thing. Now at least you know he's not afraid to commit, even though it didn't last. 
  • What's his belief system? Does he believe in God? Is he religious? Does he believe in marriage? Does he want kids? Does he have kids? Does he provide for the kids he already has? How does he view women and the role of a woman in a relationship? 
  • What's does his relationship resume say? How many relationships has he been in? Why did they end? How frequent were they? What's the longest relationship he was in and with who? Everything matters! 
2. Take your time! 
  • Don't commit exclusively to him inside of 3 months
  • Don't post him on social media inside of 6 months
  • Don't have sex with him inside of 3-6 months and it's best if you don't have sex at all until marriage. But you don't have to tell him you're waiting, just turn down his advances. If he's a fake, he will stop talking to you. Contrary to popular belief, sex is not a prerequisite for marriage. 
3. Look for red flags
  • What's his bad habits and will they eventually deteriorate him as a man?
  • Does he have a bad temper?
  • Is he afraid of commitment?
  • Is he a man of his word?
4. Make moves accordingly
  • As soon as you find out he's a fraud, leave him
  • Don't take him back unless you can clearly tell that he's a changed man. That will take about 6 months to know for sure. 
Those are just a few tips! For more info on this make sure you read Real Love, Mrs. Right, and Single Is Not A Curse. 

Talk soon, 
Tony A. Gaskins Jr. 

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Treat Your Relationship Like A House...

Years ago I was working a job as a counselor and I was working with a lady my mom's age. We were talking about relationships and she told me that she always tells her kids to treat their relationship like their house. It's crazy how you can learn in everyday conversations. I took that little nugget and expounded upon it and started to use that in my relationship.

When you think about a house it provides security. You have doors that lock. You have blinds that close. You have to mow your lawn. You keep strangers out and you only let people in when you want company. You only call for help when you're in danger. You have to pay your dues. You have to clean up and take care of your house.

Imagine if we treated our relationship like that. We would have much more successful marriages. We wouldn't feel the need to show off our relationship on social media more than we actually work on our relationship behind closed doors. We wouldn't make long drawn out post about our relationship business. We wouldn't listen to jealous or miserable people for relationship advice. We wouldn't entertain everything we see online from someone else's relationship.

I'm writing this because I see so many people sharing all their personal business online. I see people doing PR for their relationship online everyday but I know they aren't working that hard everyday to actually make their relationship better. Once you start putting in the work, you stop wanting to show it off. Some people are in a relationship for the show, not for the love.

Make sure you take your time in love. Take out the time to actually build love instead of showing it off for others to see. If you show and tell everything about your relationship, soon you won't have one anymore.

Talk soon,
Tony G.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Real Love

It's almost 1am. I'm typing this from my phone so excuse any mistakes.

My wife is asleep next to me. I'm sitting here and I'm looking up things to do for her just to try to express my love in other ways. I was compelled to write this blog to share how real love really feels. When you are 100% faithful to your partner and you're loving them selflessly the love consumes you.  It doesn't consume you in a way that's unhealthy. It consumes you in a way that is invigorating and motivating. The love pushes you to be great. The love is always on your mind and always in your heart. Your partner is always on your mind and everything you do you think about how it will effect them. This love is so real. It's also rare. This love isn't rooted in lust but lust may also be a part of it. This love is pure. It's a bond like best friends but you have the perk of getting to be lovers. The sex becomes a plus not a priority. Your focus is on the heart and mind, not the body. The connection is spiritual not physical. It's deeper than words. It's deeper than any conprehension. Even the most educated person with the largest vocabulary would not be able to fully describe love. Describing love is like trying to describe God. It's bigger than us.

Real love doesn't hurt. There will be moments of frustration and discomfort but real love will never be chronic pain caused by your partner. If your partner is causing chronic pain then it's not real love. Don't settle for second-rate love. Don't settle for my word on love. Don't settle for what people tell you.. Desire real love and don't settle for anything less.

Real love will push you to a new level. You won't want to be complacent. You won't want to get comfortable. You'll want to be better every day! You'll want to keep growing so you can please your partner even more.

This love is so real. It's a lifetime love and you know in your heart that it'll last forever. Til death do us part is the goal and anything short of that just doesn't feel right.

I want you to know that you shouldn't be crying, fighting and arguing every week. You shouldn't have to stalk your partner. You shouldn't have to interrogate your partner. You shouldn't have to beg, plead, and go thru the same issues over and over. Don't waste time with fake love. Don't stress yourself out over someone who isn't ready to love. Love yourself enough to walk away.

I've made mistakes. We all make mistakes. But the thing about real love is that you don't stay down. You don't live in your mistakes. You get better and you grow and you refuse to go back to who you once were. Real love changes you.

I'm so thankful for a love like this and if you don't have it yet I want to help your prepare for it. Don't give up on love. Don't lose hope. Love yourself in every way and be ready for love when it's your time.

Real love is real. It exists and we all deserve it.