Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Why won't he marry you?

I received a question from a young lady who is waiting on her man to marry her. It's been a few years and she's wondering when will the proposal come.

That's a scary place to be in. You have to decide your own timeline because there are too many examples of good and bad turnouts to count statistics. I know people who have been together for over 30 years and never got married. I also know people who were together 5-10 years before they got married. I know people who were together 10 years and broke up without ever getting married.

Weigh the pro's and cons. The only benefit to long-term dating is that you get to know a person really well. The cons are endless. You can have a baby out of wedlock and have no real stability. You can have a baby and then get left and have no real stability. You can give years of your life and still not a get a ring. You can give years of your life and then get left for someone else. You can give years of your life and then get cheated on and have to watch someone else have a baby from your man before you get a ring. All of those things happen every day. You have to ask yourself is it worth it?

I'll speak for myself as a man. I married my wife after only 10 months of dating. I knew from the first 6-hour conversation we had that she was my wife. I married her at 23 years old. I wasn't ready for marriage but I knew she was the one and I didn't want to let her get away. We grew together in marriage and we built everything we have together.

It's my belief that every man who is with the woman who he truly sees as his wife will propose within 3 years. Most men who have that type of woman will propose within 12 months. I believe that if a man will date you for 3-5 years and he hasn't proposed, he passing time. You're his number one but he's open to your replacement stepping into his life. He's not ready for marriage and he's not willing to take a chance on you. He's passing time to see if he meets someone better and if he doesn't then he will give in and settle for you. It's that or he wants to make money first and become "stable." That's scary because he could leave any day and you have nothing to show for the relationship other than a broken heart.

I believe we should all have a timeline. For me, my timeline would be 12 months for a proposal. After 12 months of an exclusive and consistent relationship, if there isn't a proposal that's a red flag. Something in the relationship needs to be addressed. This doesn't apply to people under 25 years of age. If you're under 25 you really shouldn't be thinking about marriage. You really should be more focused on your dreams. My marriage is an exception to the rule. It's not the norm.

If over 25 years old, we should have an idea of what we want. If you've been in a relationship for two years and you're not engaged, y'all need to have serious conversation.

Here are the top excuses.
1. I want to be financially secure before I get married.
My response: A relationship is intended to build together. If you're both at the same financial level then you can build together from the ground up. Realistically you may never be financially stable. Also, if you become financially stable all on your own you may not feel the need to keep the same partner.

2. I want to be sure you're the right person.
My response: If you've been together for more than two years and you're still not sure, you're with the wrong person.

3. I want to make sure I've gotten "it" out of my system.
My response: Whatever "it" is will never be out of your system. You will have to learn how to control the urge to cheat, get drunk, club, do drugs, gamble or whatever "it" is. Nothing just leaves. There will always be temptation. You have to mature to the point that you can have self-control.

Those are the top 3 excuses I hear the most. I can tell you as a man, you will never feel 100% ready for marriage, because the thought of only sleeping with one woman for life scares 99.9% of men to death. If you're even 50% ready and you know you have a good woman you have to let God meet you half way and carry you. Women are wired differently. Many women feel ready for marriage as young as 18-25 but men may not feel ready until 30-40. We are made differently and we have to understand and respect that. We have to work together and find a healthy compromise.

It's time to have a talk if you've been in a relationship for 3 or more years and you're over the age of 25. It's time to get real and see what's holding up the marriage. Then make a decision. Are you willing to roll the dice and continue to wait? Or is it time to realize that you're with the wrong person? It will never be easy but life is too short to waste time.

Bless you,
Tony G.

*If you have a general question for the blog please submit it to advice@tonygaskins.com with "BLOG QUESTION" as the subject.

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32 comments:

  1. how do I deal with a man who has been in a relationship with someone else for 3 years, he's 28, and seems interested in me? what do you suggest I do or say?

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    1. Even without knowing what you mean by "seems interested in you" I would say leave that man alone. Any man that will flirt/entertain and give you the impression that he is romantically interested in you, while he is IN a committed relationship, is a man you don't want. That is a HUGE red flag.

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    2. I would suggest you stay far away from that scenario...far far away until he is single and even then he might just turn around and do something similar to you as he tires of you just as he did he last gf

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    3. As a 35 year old CHRISTIAN man I can give you a humble tip. If a man is true lot into you you will not have to guess or wonder if it "seems" like it. Secondly if a man is currently dating someone else in any fashion and is entertaining you guess what? He is not into you or the other person he is basically cheating on. And cheating does not have to be sexual. If he has ended things with the lady of three years that is another matter. I actually talk about this exact situation on my YouTube channel. Check it out. https://m.youtube.com/channel/UCzdMgtdWziA9TdPPFht6NfA/videos

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    4. That is a great sign that he will do the same thing to you. Never enter into a situation that you know is not good for you. Don't settle. If he seems interested....you let him know without a doubt.....uninterested.

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    5. Keep it moving! Why would you wanna even entertain something like that??? He's already showing you who he is by wronging the person he's with now, trying to CHEAT with you. LESSON~ If he'll cheat with ya, he'll cheat on ya! Fact!

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    6. I'm a 24 year old woman and I have been with someone for 7 years....he says he isn't ready....but I am. At least within the next year. Any suggestions ?

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    7. I would suggest that you find some self respect and stop chasing/lusting after someone elses man! Hes not yours, leave him alone! If he becomes single then yeah give it a go. But if that happens I sincerely hope he strings ypu along and leaves you for someone better, someone with morals! Sorry sweetie but your more than happy to do that to this other woman so you deserve everything you get. What goes around comes around

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    8. I have been with mine for 8 years, no ring and he did say he wants to be financially stable

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    9. Haha mine at one point said my credit was bad and I had to fix it first lol

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    10. Why even entertain that??? If he's doing it to her he will most def do it to!!! Isn't he showing his character? Stay away from him! I think you already know what you should do w/o even asking!

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  2. Actions speak louder than words. As he just stated in the article above, the man will quickly express that you are the one for him. Stay vigilant

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  3. Hi. I love your blogs.
    What if he's sure 100% and would propose this very second but the only thing stopping him is me. I left him for being a "grown boy" and didn't look back. We have a child so we have to communicate and we have always been respectful as co parents. He always tells me he loves me, wants his family back but I'm trying to see some fruit in his actions and within himself to know if he's God's best for me. He's a great Father and we have a good platonic relationship so it's up to me really. It reminds me of your story with your wife of her leaving you. It would be nice if she wrote a blog post about what made her give you another chance :) I love your transparency.

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  4. I beleive every person is different and whether you give him another chance or not is going to require faith. The faith that regardless of which path you take so long as you pray and ask God for wisdom He will direct your path.

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  5. Thank you so much for putting my thoughts into words. I couldn't agree more. You're so right though... After let's say eight years IT'S TIME TO THROW IN THE TOWEL!!! THANKS AGAIN!!!

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  6. This article brought me to tears. This is something that I've known but allowed myself to be in for almost nine years now. He always has a new excuse. We don't even live together. More excuses for that as well. I recently turned thirty and started making changes to every other part of my life except for him. WHY is it so hard for me to walk away when my heart knows it's the right thing? Am I really that scared of admitting that I've wasted so many years. Why is this the only thing in my life I hesitate about???

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    1. Fear and comfort can be our worst enemies. You've been brave enough to make other changes, you are brave enough to make the final change. Time Waits for no one. Keep it moving and you will find someone who will appreciate youto the point of dedication.

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  7. I was in a relationship with someone for 6 years. We were both divorced after being married over 18 years . We talked on and off about marriage. Each of our families and friends felt we were a perfect match. One day I asked the question : where do you see our relationship in the next few years? . He said he didn't know because he didn't to work on himself and walk in his destiny. I knew then it was time to let go and start anew.

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  8. Stop wanting to marry him, then he'll want to marry you. Just kidding. Why would you want to marry someone who doesn't want to marry you? If you're waiting for the day when it doesn't hurt to leave, it's never going to come.

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    1. Yessss!!! So true. Even if a woman managed to back a man into marriage, it would never be the same as if he desired, without manipulation, to marry her, made his intention known, and took action without coaxing.

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    2. Precisely! I didn't have the patience to go into detail.

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  9. Im looking for my Boaz *.*

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  10. Does this apply to men who have proposed but have not married and it's been 7 years?

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    1. Yes. A ring can also be a stall tactic, the point of getting engaged means there is an intent to marry. It doesn't take 7 years to do that.

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  11. Wasted 15 years... Done with the idea of dating/marriage. All have been failures! I figured at 43 I have 19 year career house car why not spend time enjoying my own life single? My ex cheated with ex trying to get even with her cheating on him. Now it's let's let past go it was built on a lie, get to know each other again convinced his neighbor has the perfect situation of dating one woman but live separate lives. Marriage is just a ring and a piece of paper, those are man's laws but in the old testament people were committed in their hearts and God honored that as marriage. Don't need a piece of paper to prove it. Based on that he is off his rocker and I gave all I had I am done lol

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  12. I have just decided at this point I am not meant to be in a relationship and am settled with that! I am just trying to get stronger, forgive and establish myself and I am going to end our communication and "friendship" as well. I can't go be around male friends without attitude and third degree and accusations or questioning if I had sex. Insulting and unhealthy at this point. It's hard to end when they have been your person for so long. Really sucks

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  13. Hi, I've been dating a guy for 2yrs. He's been separated & living on his own for 4 yrs now. In my mind I'm giving him 2.5 yrs to get divorced & move forward in our relationship, if not I'm saying goodbye. We do everything together & he says he loves me & that I have shown him love like no other. He also has stated that he hasn't filed because he doesn't want to pay alimony to a healthy working person & he would like for here to file so that she can pay all court fees. What do you see as my out come or is it all just bull?!

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  15. Men and grown boys know EXACTLY what they want! If it's taking him more than 2-3 years to ask your hand in marriage HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU! He keeps you around because you are convient and he has gotten comfortable! You cook, clean, wash, sex him and put up with his bullcrap! You promise to leave but keep your feet stuck right where they are! He's knows your not going anywhere! He takes you for a fool! Unfool yourself and expire yourself from that old outdated, stale, NOT GOING ANYWHERE situation!

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  16. Hello i'm 34 years old, really want to get marry, but is very hard for to me to met the right person, my heart got broken three times, the one was a 5 years relation, i have being laird on, cheated on, ETC, i have a very good heart, like to help people but always get hurt in returned,i'm very hard working have a college degree. my main problem is i can find someone who love me, this make me very sad and depress, some times i even cry and asked myself what wrong with me. i always respect my men in my relationhip but always get hurt. i took long breaks to focuse om myself but is hard some times. please i need an advice

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  17. I dated my husband 2 years before he proposed. We took 7 months to plan. Now almost 20 years later he has lied cheated and stole from our account to cheat. We gave 2 beautiful children and he had the nerve to join online dating sites and then lie about his whereabouts when he was out with other women. He says it was a mistake. I believe it was a choice. He wants forgiveness I want him to meet his maker. How do you forgive a man you give everything to and did everything to make him who he is financially. I worked 3 jobs while he was in graduate school. I gave up my dreams to support him through his PhD. I feel stupid for giving up me for him when he hasn't given back to me. I got the ring....it was 600 from a pawn shop. He said he would upgrade it when we could afford it. That was years ago. I was embarrased to wear it to dinner functions with his colleagues because their wives all have ROCKS. I bought a Zirconia with real gold just to fit in. I just wanted to be put first and promises to be kept. He didn't even keep our vows. I say don't get married it's a heartache waiting to happen. Don't give everything you have because you loose you. Just don't marry at all.

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