Tuesday, March 3, 2015

You Can't Be Friends With Your Ex...

If a person decides they don't want to be in your life, let them leave. When they leave, lock the door behind them. If a person keeps running in and out of your life that means you're standing still. It's not fair to you, nor is it smart of you to let a person come in and out of your life. They're in or they're out but they can't be both.

Why do they want to leave? If you didn't do anything to hurt them, they're leaving because they want to meet someone new. As a professional relationship coach I've found maybe ONE case out of ONE-THOUSAND where that's not true.

Some people say, "I need to work on myself and get my life together." NEWS FLASH: No one wants to work on themselves alone. It's in those moments of vulnerability when we need someone the most. We want someone to support us, to motivate us, to console us. I don't buy the "I need to work on myself." No, you need some space so you can get to know someone else. Just be honest.

Why does someone leave but try to keep in touch? Your ex is keeping in touch because they want to know that you're still there. They want to be on your mind. They want to hinder your progress. They miss you but they don't miss you enough to be with you. You're not good enough for them to give you their all. That's what they feel. But they will give you a piece of them and share other pieces with other people. If you're willing to be one of many, they would love that. If they can come back in your life and be friends with benefits, that works too. They want to have their cake so they can look at how pretty it is, but they want to eat the cake too. Eat the cake AnnaMae. You can't have the cake and eat it too. You have to do one or the other. They want to keep in touch just in case their "upgrade" turns out to be a "downgrade." Then they will come running back to you to waste your time until they find another "upgrade." Then they'll leave you again. I know some of you have been through this with the same person like 10 times. How many times are you going to fall for it? It doesn't take that many times to get it right if it's meant to be right. As a matter of a fact, we don't EVER leave someone we really want to be with. EVER!!!! If they left you it's because their "first mind" does not believe you're the one.

What if they really do want you back? If they want you back they will work for you. They will ask forgiveness in whatever way they have to. If they have to write a message in the sky, a message in a bottle, a morse code, or whatever. They will reach you. If you leave my life by your choice, I'm not hitting the rewind button on my life. If you want to get back in my life you have to hit the fast forward button and catch up to me. I'm not looking back. You have to run fast enough to get in front of me and stop me. Then you have to convince me as to why I should let you back in my life. Then you have to go through the probation period of my choice. You have to sign up for 12 sessions of Life Coaching. Then you have to do at least one session a month for the next two years so that I know you're staying on the right track. If in the first three months of talking to you I see any red flags that you're still a flake, I'm out! You won't hear from me again. I'm not playing tag with you. I'm not standing still. I'm not putting my life on pause while you hit play on your life and you're playing the field. I refuse to be Boo-Boo The Fool. I refuse.

What happens if you become friends? If you become friends with your ex you will never get over them. With every conversation the love will get stronger. You'll steal for them, kill for them, and everything else. You'll never be able to give your whole heart to anyone else. Your ex will be able to give their heart away because you never had their whole heart and that's why they were able to leave you. So by you being friends with an ex who left you, it'll only hurt you. The next person you meet won't trust you or want to be with you because they understand the soul-ties we have with our exes. So unless you want to be single for the rest of your life, you have to let your ex go and move on with your life. If they want to be in your life, make them be all the way in and treat you like a priority.

In closing, I want you to know that I coach relationships professionally every day except Saturday and Sunday. I've never seen anything good come from keeping in touch with an ex. When it works out it usually works out quickly. Like the break-up lasted a few days. Of course there are exceptions to the rule, but not enough to bet on. Not enough to hang your hat on. Not enough to risk your sanity on. If your ex wants you back after they chose to leave you, let them do whatever it takes to get you back. Never hit pause or rewind on your life. Keep moving forward and if a person wants to be with you, they'll do what it takes. If they just want to waste your time and keep you in their back pocket, they'll confuse you with words and have no actions to back up what they're saying.

Move on with your life. Life is too short to waste time on someone who is playing mind games.

Update: What if you have kids together? There is a difference between co-parenting and being friends. There is a difference between being friends and being cordial. You can discuss the kids but that should be the extent of it. You can be cordial without sharing personal details, reminiscing, and hooking-up from time to time.

Blessings,
Tony G.

*I know "they" should be "he or she" but I don't like grammar rules, as you can tell.
*If you have a general question you'd like me to address on the blog, please email advice@tonygaskins with "Blog Question" in the subject line.

70 comments:

  1. Just because you were not "the one" when you wanted to be, doesn't mean that you are lacking. This world has created such a divide between God and humans that it's very rare that we get it right on the first try. Most of us are trying to find someone who we like who can help us cope with the emotional burdens that are created in our childhood. When your ego tells you that you must not be worth anything because you loved this man or woman with all you had and they didn't love you back, remind yourself to use these relationships as a stepping stone. Sometimes the easiest way to get over someone is to remind yourself that you do not like the way they deal with their problems (ex.running into another persons arms right after a break up). Love is a bout respect and if you can't respect how someone deals with their problems then you can't be fully in love with them. For me, it was about being tired of getting hurt by his process in dealing with emotional turmoil. I told myself I never want to feel like this again. I began to notice that he did not only do this to me but to every girl he was with. It helped me to move on. Don't use the excuse of wanting to remain friends to try to prove that you are worth something. It's a cop out.

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    1. Great feedback Stacie and a great addition to this post!!

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    2. I am very passionate about speaking with purpose in an attempt to try to help others understand the human condition. Thank you for being of service.

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    3. BEST TRUTH, I've seen on a blog in a while. Thanks for sharing...this valuable info.

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    4. Stacie you are so right I also involved myself with a man who has done the same thing to the women before and after me. After almost two years of feeling hurt, angry and left like a dirty McDonald's bags, I finally realized it wasn't my heart that was wounded it was my ego. It was my ego that made me think that he would be different with me even though my spirit was yelling no from the first day I met him, then when he left again it was my ego saying see you weren't good enough, when my spirit was saying you better GOD he left because the pain of him leaving is nothing compared to the pain I would have felt if he stayed.

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    5. The most important lesson in life is learning the games we play with outselves. Most of us have to burn our hand on the fire before we can say "no no! That's hot.. You're going to get burned".

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    6. This article is right on time. I dated this guy on and off for almost 3yrs. We were on this 2week cycle. We would be on then I would ask where there relationship was going and then he would say that he wasn't ready and we wouldn't talk for like 2weeks sometimes a week then he would contact me somehow to tell me that he missed me. He's asked me to be his GF more than once during the course of 2yrs but then we broke up. We stopped seeing each other September of last year and he entered into a relationship. However, we've found some reason to communicate with one another each month since then. Mostly me because i missed him admittedly but after his bday in Jan I had really planned not to contact him anymore. He wrote me a 3page email to me explaining how he fell into relationship (my words) and what went wrong with us and how i was the only one that could disrupt what they had going on. It's been really difficult for me to move on so i wrote a closure letter this week because i thought that it would help. He response was dry initially then we talked about what happened someone which basically lead to communication issues with us. He still wants to be friends and I'm trying to figure out why. I have never felt for anyone else what i feel for him so part of me wants to be his friend but i don't want to be stupid so he can just have me in his back pocket. I agree with you a comment that you made Tony saying that if you were friends with your ex it would only strengthen the relationship with her and in this case i agree that it probably would. if it did and his feelings grew for me i would always feel like i was 2nd choice but then on the flip side even thru all of the hurt i grew as a woman and i have learned many valuable lessons and it sounds like he has too. #torn

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  2. Amen I totally agree. We share a 7 year old and we are both very close to him. Need to learn to drawn a line between co parenting and co existing to please him.

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  3. Absolutely loved this timely post. Reassurance that I'm making the right decision!!

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  4. I just want a answer Mr.Tony as to speaking of the kids involve with an ex . He doesnt come to see them ,he have called from time to time but only when he gets to his job so i feels as he isnt man enough to let her know he can talk to his kids in front of her so he shows her that much respect over his kids . I said till u show me when you becomes a ground man our kids dont need a call from u only when u go to work. You may say what this have to do with yourblog but we broke up in november n same week he went to the new girl n yes he wanted to play the game but by me reading your posts help me shut the door n didnt unlock it til i tried to let him talk to kids n see will he step up n be a father we was luving together for almost 7 years knew him since 1993 but when he got with the new girl it was we just friends so i was like by and let it go cause i dont have males friends that i talked to daily sneaking around i knew it was more to the story when i found the numbers in his phone . So what im asking is im wrong for not leaving the line of communication open for kids sake? He dont want to be there for them cause actions say otherwise.

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  5. Hi Tony...Question: What's your take on CLOSURE, when dealing with this type situation...is it necessary for both parties?!?

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    1. If you can have a closure convo, it's great.. but it typically makes it harder to stick to it because our brains aren't wired to process "good-bye's" well if that good-bye means forever. Sometimes it's easier to have closure in your mind and spirit and just move on.

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    2. Good Stuff��....Thanks Tony!!

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    3. I enjoyed reading this it was right on time and I ignored every sifn. I dealt with the I need space, I need to work on me, an engagement that lasted not even a week. But yet he wanted to remain my friend. My response was why would you want to hold onto me as a friend. I don't go from being a fiance to a friend. So now that I don't call, text, or anything else he's been contacting my friends. My question is why does he say I'm a good woman, he knows I'm a good woman, but I'm going to make someone a good wife? What man recognizes a woman is a good woman and doesn't want that?

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  6. Tony, what if someone needs space to build themselves by making the relationship stronger. Me and my significant other rushed a relationship by moving in together so early in the relationship and both recieved a glitch in the relationship to where we both decided to give one another space to omit our past hurt from our lives and also mold ourselves and find love within ourselves. We both love each other but during the break it is very hard because we are apart from each other. I really need some advice on what to do. I myself want to focus on building my brand and to love myself before loving a man twice as much than loving myself and also build my relationship with god. He feels like I want to move on but from the bottom of my heart that is not the case because I really love him.

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    1. Typically when it's meant to be you can work through all of your problems together. You help build and restore one another. If you have to be apart to do that then the person may not be the one for you if you don't feel safe enough and secure enough to be vulnerable with them and trust them to help you build and grow. If you can do it alone, then why do you need them?
      There are exceptions to every rule though so make the decision that's best for you.

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    2. I dated a guy for 3yrs that I and everyone else knew I had absolutely no business dating he's 8yrs younger than me he's a street guy never worked has absolutely nothing going for himself and here I am a hardworking well educated mother of two with my own everything and I still decided to give him a chance despite it all. I treated him like a king I gave him any and everything he always had a meal on the table always had clean clothes etc no matter what it was as a woman i did it for him..We've broke up over and over again mainly over him staying nights out, not acknowledging the fact that he is in a relationship in public and or on social network. I have allowed him to continuously come in and out of my life no matter what he did. Last summer he cheated on me I've always had suspicion but never proof after a few months apart I still took him back and after 6 months I found out he was still cheating on me with the same woman he knew I would never forgive him this time so he chose to stay with her and put pictures up of them kissing and telling her he loves her on social network which is something he has never done in the 3yrs of being with me and he chose to do so on valentine's day not even 5 days after I threw him out of my house knowing I could see it I never ever thought someone would ever do something like that to me... At this point I don't know how to get over the hurt and as a woman it in some way makes you feel like you wasn't good enough....After what he did to me I just for the life of me understand why does he deserve to be happy and I'm not sure I will ever understand....

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    3. Well, at least you didn't spend 2 decades as I did. Yes my ex now has someone else he publicly makes over and says that he will marry her and treat her like a "queen." He even dedicates songs to her, he is a musician. My heart is heavy.I feel exactly as you. It is a long sad story, especially on my part. You will be fine. It may not be easy, but try to put it all behind you. He sound like a non-man. He is not happy. He misuses women for his gain. Happy, good, decent men, don't do that. Read, " Overcoming Hurts and Anger" by Dwight Carlson. Read " Think Like a Lady-Think Like a Man " by Steve Harvey. Easy Does It on yourself. Your are a good person, good woman. You are not along, many ladies have been here. Sometimes, a lot of times as women, we give the wrong people a chance, we let the wrong people in our lives. Actually my darling, they lose.

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  7. My boyfriend still talk with his ex girlfriend .
    Its really really hard for me to understand and believe nothing else going on betwen them . His argument is : They was friend before be couple.
    And I believe That relationship without trust isn't a relationship I base my hope on that
    I Wish I'm not just fool and naive.

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    1. That's tough to deal with. I know as a man, if I need to talk to my ex it's because I still love her. I have feelings for her and don't want to let her go. There would be some type of benefit of talking to her and I would be keeping her there just in case I wanted to go back to her. That's just me though. Out of respect for my woman I wouldn't talk to someone that I was once sexual/intimate with because the tie is still there and I would be strengthening it.

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    2. Trust what you're feeling, GOD didn't give us intuition for nothing.

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    3. I wrote this comment. I didn't think we can get answer from you . thank you so much ....
      Im maybe to sensitive but your comment make me cried.
      I left my country, my family and a job to be with him I have nobody here and try to build a new life .
      He show me everyday how our relationship mean for him .
      We have a relationship and he was friend with benefits with his ex. Then they move together and she left him. I still feeling I'm not enough for him each time when they are on the phone.
      Now to show me how he move on, he want me to meet her .
      I'm totally lost,sad and insecure .
      I have so many men who want to be with me but i just I can't imagine myself with someone else .
      Write how I'm feeling make me feel better .
      Thank you for all your advice and quotes .

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  8. Thanks for that Tony!! Hope to see you at your seminar in Atlanta next month!!

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  9. Im pregnant and my child will be a newborn....he left about a month ago and I keep letting him come in and out of my life because it feels better when he's here....it feels like we are a family but in the morning when he leaves and doesnt call I feel bad all over again. Its so hard to do this by myself....how do I cope? I do want to be happy! I do want to move forward but its so hard when youre expecting a baby

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    1. That's a really tough situation. I feel your heart. Be safe. Be smart. Be strong. Maybe a woman who has been in your situation will see your post and share some advice from her experience with this.
      As a man I can say, if I was doing what he's doing it would be because I'm not mature yet, I'm not ready to be a man and be responsible yet. I wasn't raised to be the type of man to protect and provide and I've been hurt so I leave a trail of broken hearts around me. I don't know myself and I'm scared to death to be fully responsible for someone else, like a child. That's what it would be if I was doing what he is doing.

      You have to ask yourself are you better with or without him? If him coming and leaving is breaking you down and hurting you and it will hinder the love and care you give your child then him being in your life isn't a good thing. If him being around give you strength, peace, and happiness and even when he is gone for the day you still have that strength, peace, and happiness and you're able to give that to your child then that means it's a good thing.

      Weight the pro's and con's of the situation and be honest with yourself.
      Bless you!

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    2. i thought i replied but im not seeing it but i really want to say a few things that will help. i just recently had my daughter who is 9 months now and i did it completely alone. her father is very toxic and not a good person so leaving was the best choice i made even though i wanted that ideal family and did not want to be a single mom. was depressed most of my pregnancy and my daughter was born small do to it. after praying and finally letting go it was the best thing for me and more importantly my daughter. my suggestion is do not be afraid to be alone or be a single mother God gives us nothing we cannot handle. i let go and let God take over and he blessed me with a great man who im sad to say im no longer with which is the reason why im here( whole other issue). realizing i was going to be a single mother was hard but being in a good space to be the best mother i could be was a better choice. TRUST i had times i cried myself to sleep but my child is a blessing and you will feel that way as well. stay strong and do whats best for you both. if the father is not ready youdo not have time to worry about it. Be strong for your child, get closer to God and you will see how your life will change. Good luck and many blessings

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    3. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through that. It is very painful. I have been there and come out stronger. I can only speak about my process in learning this very difficult but important lesson. I got to a point when I said to myself "I/m so tired of my moods bieng so easily changed by the actions of someone else." I felt like I had no control over my own emotions. I got to a point where the pain became unbearable. I grew tired of waiting for this man to love me in a way that didn't hurt me. I found that the easiest and best thing that I did was to recognize that human love is too imperfect. There was not one person , family included, in my life that did not hurt me at one time. Children are the biggest blessings and teachers into what true and unconditional love feels like. Sometimes God gives us children becuase he knows that kind of love is what were missing and it's the only way to get us to stop killing ourselves. I was never fully able to enjoy my children while I was still with my babys father. I was only able to truly experience my children without pain after he left. It's a blessing in disguise. It might help if you tell yourself "You know what?! I want to enjoy my pregnancy and my baby because I deserve that like every women, and HE is taking away from that" Being a single mother is scary at first but it is so much easier. You don't have to worry about this guy doing whatever it is he does to hurt you. You can enjoy you baby and stay in the moment. The light at the end of the tunnel is so bright. Give yourself more credit, and give him less.

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  10. Mr. Tony i just need a response to when kids involve , we broke up in November and since then he doesnt make an effort toward seeing his kids i found he was texting other girls and calling them as if he was single so after 7years of living together i put him out n tried to keep line of communication open for kids sake but he turned his back on them it hurts but i cut all ties even getting my number change because he wanted to play mind games as u said wanted his cake n eat it to i said i do share its HIV out here and i wont be 2nd in it when i was the live in one for 7years. Sodo u think i was wrong for cutting phone connection off due to kids involve he doesnt come to see them or made any attempt to. So i dont think i waa wrong i did say when you become a grown man then contact us. I dont have time for the game . We have 3kids he moves right in with her n her 3kids that isnt his n making a commitment with them i lost respect for him. He just act like his kids dont exist but say i love my kids. Really.

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    1. Type o it was to say i dont share because of HIV is out here in the world and its a death sentence

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    2. Personally, I don't think you were wrong. He sounds toxic and dealing with someone toxic isn't good for your kids. It's better to have no father and have a strong mother than to have a toxic father and half of a mother because she's so stressed from the toxic father. You can do better by yourself if he isn't ready to be a real man about his kids.

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  11. What if he didn't leave? but it was I b/c we are unequally yoked. Had a baby out of wedlock and my eyes were opened to the fact that he is not a man of God. Other than his other short comings, like we all have, he was great. He was hurt by my choosing to leave, build his own insecurities and acted out the way he felt which led me to not want to be in that relationship even more. More to the story but that's the jist. We deal with things about our child but sometimes I felt guilty for just leaving him like that even though I explained my Christian values and things I can't do anymore.. if it's God's will he will change and get it right. Sometimes I feel bad that our child can't always do things together as a family.. something I didn't have growing up. We always want the very best but we have to trust that God HAS our very best and we can't lean on our own understanding of what we see.

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  12. Good day tony.... How I deal with a female who had a bad past with a lot of men, cheating and stuff and they keep saying they are a change person but I caught up on her cheating and I forgive her, now I realized she cheating again, and each time these things happen and I saybim leaving she comes begging for forgiveness but after a week she gone bk to the same thing. How and what's should I do?

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    1. You have to ask yourself why are you staying? You have to know that you deserve a faithful partner. You deserve someone to give you what you are giving them. If a person makes cheating a habit, they won't change. It's a difference between someone who cheated and a cheater. Your partner sounds like she need therapy to help her heal and grow. I wouldn't stay if I were you but you have to do what your heart is telling you if you know you're in a stable place.

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    2. Dear Tony, I am looking for a good book to read and how to release co dependancy. I have been with my husband for 18 years and we have two children. 5 and 2. He has always cheated on me but I was just never sure and could never prove anything. Six years ago while I was pregnant with my first child I found out he was carrying on a full on other relationship. I tried to forgive him and believed him the many times he said that he was going to change and make empty promises. With time things have just gotten worst and to make matters worst the level of disrespect on his part has gone from 0-100. I have spoken with the other woman in hopes that she will leave him alone but that has only made their relationship even stronger. I have now filled for divorce and want to begin my life again for my children and with my children but i fear that i will be lonely and afraid. Is there anything that you can suggest I read while I go through this transition. I wish that I could afford you so that you could give me advise regularly. I need alot of help because this man and this life is all i have known for 18 years and now I want to be free. Please help.

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  13. Been there if he keeps running in and out playing head games I suggest you read up on narcissistic personality disorder, he's did the same thing to all the ones before me and the one he left me for. It was extremely hard to get over but just like a true narcissistic after he married her one year to date he called me to tell me he was divorced. Thank GOD it wasn't me.

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  14. This post just proved that I did the right thing.Sticking on my decision to move on and to not wait for him anymore.I feel even better after reading this.Thank you!

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  15. im having a hard time moving on. im a single mother and dated another man who was not my daughters father. he was amazing, loved me so much and my daughter and helped me lot. one of the few men i ever met i trusted completely. he broke up with me a few months ago because he realized its not what he wanted and it was too hard. plus he is not financially in a good place.We have a great relationship now as friends which has been hard because i want more. he has done nothing wrong. should i continue to be in contact with him? or just let him go? this has been very hard for me because i want him in my life... even harder because i think he still wants me as well. i can tell when he looks at me. please help

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  16. I am going through a breakup and he ended things saying he doesn't know what he wants or what makes him happy and we weren't connecting etc... At the same time he was trying to keep me around by saying he wanted to fix our issues and work on us but he didn't want to be together we still wanted to remain single. We did that for a week until I realized he wasn't changing or putting any effort into making our issues any better. we got into a huge argument and I was hurt all over agin. Here is a man I loved and wanted to be with and I feel like he was treating me like he never loved or cared for me. It took some time but I eventually stopped talking to him and there it was he never text or called me neither so I guess he got what he always wanted, me leaving him alone.. But the feeling of rejection still hurts when you truly loved that person and planed a future with them.

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  17. My ex and i was together for 28 years and married for 21 years. He made the decision to leave me and have a relationship with our god sister. He married her 5 months after divorcing me. He told me he still cares about me and he will like to text or call to check on me. I made a decision and we had the last conversation ending with him yelling about me ending us. I told him i wish him well but i was not bringing 2015 in with him. I hung up the phone while he was yelling. I wanted no more texts or calls and i told him to leave me alone and he said he will never stop trying to be my friend. He still texted me on new years day but i am done. I feel so free and i am going to not talk to him.

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  18. I absolutely agree. The key in what you have written is "when your ex LEAVES", you are not speaking of a mutual break up. A lot of people think just because you discontinue "sleeping with" them the ex...that you can handle just being friends. The illusion of that working comes into play when you stop being "convenient a&&"...you end up being "convenient [everything else]" which is not healthy for you. Just stop being convenient.

    I have written a trillion poems on "trying that"...and Tony is correct...it doesn't work. Give it time and space, allow one another to go, GLow and GROW in their own respects. If the opportunity presents itself to re-acquaint, then YOU must be HONEST with yourself and really know whether you can "handle it". It's okay to let go. Not everyone in your past, deserves a place in your future. It will hurt like hell...like pulling your skin inside out and throwing alcohol on yourself...but it will hurt more putting on the facade that you are "cool" with being...an option.

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    1. Yes! That's a great reply!! You get it!! go write this on my Facebook comments, where I posted this blog. A lot of people don't get it.

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    2. thank you for this much needed

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    3. Creatiff....omg I am in tears because I became an option...I am having a difficult time as my situation got very ugly as it was a 3 ring circus and I was the 3rd clown...I became emotionally unstable and I have done things I am not proud of.. Reading ur response hurt my soul because it was so true...I want to love myself enough to do better but I am drowning and I don't know how to fix me.....I need help... Ms Exhausted

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    4. Dear Anonymous...it's unfortunate to say, but I'm glad the post hurt your soul because of it's truth. Until we (as women) are "broken", we continue to think we can "outsmart" a man's decisions and ways of treating us. We think we can just try something different, come from a different angle, express it in a different perspective, do things outside of our character...when the bottom line is what the bottom line is..men [people] do what we ALLOW them to do. As long as you allow him to treat you as the "3rd clown"...you will be the that. What women don't realize is there is NO man on this earth that would not have his cake and eat it to...if he can. It's not malicious, but it's reality. If we continue to allow him to have us...and her and her. Why not? And we can do NOTHING about changing that. What we CAN do is remove ourselves from being an option. TRUST ME. I was that (everyone probably was that, is that, or will be that)...but until you accept that you canNOT change that mans priorities...you will continue to offer yourself up to him as an option. You can't wean off of the situation either, you have to do a "big chop". You wrote that you love yourself enough to do better...and I believe that becuase you wrote in...now...look at my graphic (http://t.co/mw703h7JrK)...so your next signature can be Ms. Priority instead of Ms. Exhausted. And continue to follow Tony Gaskins...his thoughts are very powerful and will provide you the strength you need to be what you deserve. I'm a spoken word artist and am asked to speak my relationship poems all the time not only for my OWN growth, but to inspire women [people] JUST LIKE ME...to PAY ATTENTION and KNOWURVALUE. Stay strong my friend...keep going, GLowing, and GROWing!!! You deserve it!

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  19. I did exactly that in my past two relationships and I would testify it has been a blessing. If it means blocking them from social medias and their relatives. Do exactly exactly that. Sometimes we become comfortable with people and that causes us a lot of problem.Dont even think you are bitter, no!You are choosing yourself and protecting your heart.

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  20. Tony, thanks for your words! However I do not agree with your point about "I need time to work on myself". I was in a relationship where my life consisted of my boyfriend and his family. After awhile, I realized I was neglecting my own life and aspirations and decided to step away. I had to go through that process alone. Unfortunately, the relationship ended but the PEACE I found far outweighed the relationship I had lost. I have been on the up ever since. If you have a few moments, I actually wrote a blog specifically on this topic. You can check it out at www.bscasper.wix.com/thegarden . Thanks!

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    1. Your situation doesn't apply to this post. You weren't with the person for you and that's why you had to leave. If he was the one for you, you wouldn't have had to leave him to focus on you. He wouldn't have made your life all about him and his family. He would have assisted you in building your life and he would have given you "me time." There are exceptions to every rule. Don't read it as if everything is supposed to apply to you. Get what's for you and leave the rest. This wasn't for you.

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    2. I Understand there are exceptions to every rule. I just offered a different point of view on something that stood out to me. Thanks for the healthy dialogue.

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  21. I'm 25 and lost my virginity to a guy at 22 who wasn't an ex just a friend. I am still attached to him and can't accept the fact that he doesn't want me. He has a "roommate" and has to sneak around to call and text me. Being a side chick is not what I want for myself (my actions say otherwise) but I can't help it that I'm in love with him. He says all the sweet things that I want to hear but I'm not sure he means them. The majority of our conversations are sex-related, how he wants to come see me, get a hotel, etc. He's never made the effort to come see me, I always made the effort to see him. He used to text me late at night into the early morning and throughout the day. When he goes MIA, I have to bring him back in by testing him so we can keep talking. I put myself through his games because I have low self-esteem, never had a boyfriend or been on a date. My generation is all about sex and having boyfriends and girlfriends. I've accepted his red flags hoping to help him change and eventually liking me. It's going on three years and I haven't moved on. I constantly compare myself to his girl, believing she is the lucky one because he goes home to her at night. I just can't seem to let go.

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  23. Thanks Tony I needed this one. I have an extra she left me in November then contacts me in January and decides no leave me alone just sick of the roller-coaster.

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  24. I have been following your Post/Youtube Blogs and know others that follow you also. May God continue you to use you Man of God. You are Speaking Life to the Naturally and Spiritually dying . I don't know how many times I've referred to and took from the Wisdom that God has given you and felt that everything will be alright...there's Hope. And the Humor is a plus��medicine foreal.What a Gift! I have yet to attend one of your events!And may God continue to Overtake your family with many Eternal Blessings on earth as it is in Heaven.��

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  25. So this is the situation.Ive been off and on with my ex for 12 years and he just told me that he found someone and never to talk to him again.I just felt like a dummy again I always take him back this is his third time doing this to me.We just had start talking in May.I was there for him when his dad died in August.I just feel like he always promises we will get back together now this.I just told him two weeks ago I don't want to be emotional attached to him cause he treats me so bad but he told me don't leave and I didn't now this.I feel broken.

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  26. I'm confused on which way to take this advice. I am actually the one who kept my ex as my friend into my new relationship. And of course he broke up with me because he felt I wasn't being honest about our friendship. I had no feelings of wanting to be with my ex, but I know my ex still had feelings. I badgered my ex by telling him I don't want him to confirm all we had was a friendship. But realized I was doing more harm to him by being his "friend" because he would never let go of those feelings as I had already done. Now I have completely removed him from my life but my new "ex" boyfriend says we should work on ourselves, date other people, and then come back later to see if it works. But he still talks to me all the time and we still date. I also found out he is still talking to his ex which makes me think he's reflecting his wrong doings on me. I don't know if he is the one. But I would hate to close this door knowing it was because of my mistake. Tony, or if anyone can shed some light.

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  27. I felt this was a great read Tony. You are a very inspirational individual. I've read some.of your quotes and passages and it really has made me rethink some of my relationship choices. It has helped me be on the look out for those red flags.. I'm definitely more knowledgeable about certain things. God has definitely given you a wonderful gift. Thank you!

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  28. Sometimes you have to get and give the gift of "goodbye." It's a difficult lesson.

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  29. Dear Tony,

    Your post resonated with me. I have made all of these mistakes.

    One thing i did learn is that you cannot forced things. You cannot make a man love you and saddly enough even a baby won't make him stay.

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  30. I needed this. I've been struggling with maintaining a friendship with an ex who hurt me terribly. I really knew what I needed to do but this just confirmed my decision. God is so good!!

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  31. Hey, tony i need an advice from you regarding about my ex boyfriend. He broke up with me 3 years ago and so he left because he refused to marry me because his parents didn't agree. But i tried to be his friend but it couldn't work , he seems to be so happy and i am still hurt. He keeps coming back into my life , sometimes too nice and sometimes too rude. He does this all the time to me.
    He ignores me , he doesn't text me on priority basis. My best girl friend is also a friend of my ex boyfriend for the last seven years and they both know each other very well as they both say that they they know each other better than anyone else, my ex keeps messaging her , he texts her first most of the time. He says i am important for him , he never wants me to leave him , he loves me still and hasn't moved on but his actions are totally opposite. He used to put our mutual female friend first always over me , he used to get angry over me just because of her even when we ( i and my ex bf) were in a relationship.I always felt that my ex loves her although he says she is her just friend but he cares for her alot n says no one knows him better than her. He says to me that he loves me but only in words. On 14th feb i had a birthday he called me to wish me , so i got excited oh he still loves me but sometimes , he becomes too cold to me and sometimes too nice , i am still hanging to him as i don't get him , i am confused that whether he loves me or not ? Our mutual female friend thinks that he has found another girl n when she asked him he didn't reply to him. He is running from him now.
    I want to ask is he playing with me ? Is he using me as a backburner ? I am very upset for the last four years , my health has been deteriorated because of him.

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  32. hi tony...
    need to know ur views and advice
    i have a boyfriend ..he syas many things but does not do anything...i mean he says that he misses me...but doesn;t call me...we chat on whatsapp..and that too when i initiate..
    he has a bank job and he says he has a hectic schedule...he doesn;t get time.
    i have told him that i want his support , care and motivation and making me as a prioirity ..he said i do it my way..we r in different cities.. i just expect him to b in touch with me..via even sms.
    just one sms a day..like "i miss u...take care"... he says am over expecting...
    am confused ..does he reallly love me?
    help me out...

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  33. I always wondered why men who choose to no longer be with u call n say "I just called to see how u r doing". or text every day n say good morning. Now I know why..You r the 1st man who has been truthful about there reason behind that n now I know to no longer respond as if they really care..Thanks

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  34. Dear Tony,
    I told my ex we needed a break because he started to act as if he was single and then I found out he cheated, the next day he just moved out, no talking about trying to work on things, nothing. Now 2 years later he calls out of no where, and when we talked about our past he tells me when he moved out I did nothing to make things better for him to come back. I told him we did talk and he told me he had to work on himself, so I took that as a crappy way of saying he no longer wanted me, now here he is, saying he still loves me, no way!!!!

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  35. What do you do when you are in love with man and he says he is in love with you. He says he wants to be with me but this isnt the time. He wants to make sure he is secure before he tries to be in a committed relationship? By the way we have known each other for 9 months and dated for 3. I really believe he loves me. So far he hasn't done anything to me for me to question his loyalty

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  36. Going through the same thing with my ex! Our break up was extremely hard not only on me but him too....we both had family issues, job issues barely had no where to stay..me thinking he cheating cos my last relationship messed my head up so bad. Everything was just going down and flames and we both just end up leaving each other I moved away a month after we broke up...a few months later he was with somebody else when I say he was plastering her all over social media they even took pictures like me and him use to take it felt so weird I was so hurt....I kept thinking how could he just move on like that I thought we were in love. Not only that he talks so bad about me when he was being so cold to me when we first broke up. Saying stuff like he upgraded & I'm crazy and bitter whole time I never said one word to him since we broke up I was confused on why he felt like he had to do that I never thought it was any animosity between us but I guess the way I walked away and never looked back hurt him just as much as he hurt almost a year later he finally got over this anger towards me and tells me sorry and he was being spiteful he never wanted us to break up & everything was going so wrong in our life he felt hopeless and he calls me all the time spilling his heart out to me but still has a girlfriend been with her for 5 months he tells me he wants to just be friends but I know better then that then he starts being emotional again about having me in his life....I wanna move on cos he hurt me by being with somebody else I don't think we can ever be friends. I love him but I just dont know what to do at this point I thought he been let me go a long time ago I guess not.

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