Thursday, March 19, 2015

Why do many women give men so many chances?

Is it the thirst? Is it desperation? Is there a scarcity of men? Is it in your nature? Are you afraid to start over? Are you afraid another woman will benefit from your hard work and sacrifice? Do you believe he will change?

When I first met my wife I sold her a dream. After about two months she realized that I'd sold her a dream and she left me. She moved on with her life and she never looked back. I was the one who asked to see her again six months later. By then she had healed and forgiven me. She gave me another chance and I showed her perfection up until marriage which was only 10 months later. Two months into our marriage I decided to dabble in the street-life again and she left me. I begged and pleaded for days until she gave me another chance. When she came back she let me know what she needed from me and what she expected from me and that was that. I changed and I began to grow. I had no interest in messing up again. I saw that she was strong enough to walk away even after marriage and that was all I needed to know about her strength. I didn't want to keep testing her because I knew the next time could be the last time. I didn't want to lose a rare and special woman and have to go back to average women. I wanted a woman with her type of strength and self-respect. I knew that type of woman would make a great mother and be able to stand on her own two feet and take care of our kids even when I couldn't be there. I grew because I had to. I made other mistakes but I wasn't crazy enough to keep making them and to allow them to get so messy that it would come out. I fought for change. I fought against my fleshly desires, my insecurities, and my immaturity and I won. I now know that men are capable of change. I never thought I could be faithful to one woman because I'd never done it before. I live that life now and it's easier with every passing day. Each day I fall more in love with my wife. Each day I lose more of my ego in love and I'm able to be selfless.

I believe in change. But I also know that it doesn't take a million chances to make that change. As adults we have enough common sense to know when to change for the better. If we don't change it's because we don't want to change. Three chances is the most I could see myself needing because I know right from wrong and if I do wrong then it's on purpose. Those three chances would be different types of mistakes, not the same mistake. I'm saying three just to admit that no one is perfect and we all make "mistakes on purpose" at times.

I received like 200 or more emails from women last week. I read through the first 10 and almost broke my phone. I read a different version of the same story over and over again. The common theme of each email was "chances." Why? Why give 5 chances? Why give 10 chances? Why give 5, 10, or 15 years of chances? Why live miserable? Why live in fear? Why live in pain? Why live in self-hate? Why sleep with an enemy?

I know we all have a story. I know we all have pain. I know we all have insecurities. But there comes a day that you have to look yourself in the mirror and say:

I love myself! I am worthy. I am enough. I deserve to receive the same amount of love that I give. I know my worth and I refuse to settle for less. I will be alone until I meet someone who can respect and appreciate me the same way I respect and appreciate myself. I won't settle for anything less than what I deserve. 

Print this blog out. Cut out that little piece above or just write it out on a 3x5 card. Put that card on your bathroom mirror. Write another one out and put it in your purse. Read it in the morning while you're in the mirror. Read it on your lunch break during the day. Read it at night before you go to bed. Tell yourself that over and over until you start to believe it. I promise you those words will work. You have to change the way you see yourself. You have to stop settling. You have to love yourself. Settling for less than you deserve won't make a person give you what you deserve.

Bless you!!
Tony G.

*Real Love Tour: CHICAGO, OAKLAND, CLEVELAND, ATLANTA, TORONTO, PHILLY, NEWARK-NJ, LOS ANGELES ...

37 comments:

  1. I know my emails was probably one of those. I know I need to move on because he already has, but all I want is to give us another chance. I wish I could walk away like your wife and not look back but it's so hard when we just had a child less than 2 months ago. My mind know I should leave and not look back but my heart just won't let me.... I lost my self-respect and self-love in this relationship and I don't even know how to get it back!

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    1. I def hear your heart. I know it's hard. Sometimes leaving even for a short period sends a big message. When my wife left me we had a two month old baby who was in born 2.5 months early and he was in the intensive care unit. She didn't have a job either. For her to leave under those circumstances showed me how much she loved herself and it pushed me to change. Sometimes you just have to step away to send a message. If that doesn't work, then you have to gather the strength to walk away for good.

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    2. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about 5 months before that we were best friends and I begin to see things I didn't know about. We recently joined a church together and I can see the difference and the effort he puts forth and people keep telling mW to let God be God which I am I just feel like its all going to be a waste of time maybe because I've had pass failed relationships. I'm not sure but I've been patient a d I refuse to lose myself in a man again God brought me out of it before and I plan to stay out that again. What should or could I do?

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  2. Mine won't leave unless I file separation papers. I asked him to leave back in August. Why can't he just go? I'm already paying the bills so why should I have to take off from work to file papers when he should just go live with the females he kept cheating with?

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    1. In my opinion he doesn't really think that your going to file. Because you are telling him to leave he doesn't feel as if you actually mean it. With him you will have to show him you mean business. He not going to the women he's cheating on you with because you are taking care of everything at home. Your paying the bills there and he is free to do whatever it please with his money.

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    2. He doesn't need to move it's easy for him to stay because we make things easy for them and we do it for our sons as well. My ex was so controlling, he paid all bills but created big bills like 200 thousand dollar homes brand new vehicles his way of setting me up for failure because I could never afford to continue to live that way. Even after he cheated and proclaimed his hatred towards me he wouldn't file. When I stepped out for my own freedom my own life and filed you would've thought I cut off his right nut he went bolistic he was so angry he really hated me then. He even admitted he never thought I would go against him.

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  3. I left for good after five years of lies, sold dreams and cheating. It was a relief to be rid of the person who did not mean me and my children any good. Yes I was mad, angry, and hurt but I have not allowed that particular experience to run my life. I know my worth as a woman and and I know what I deserve and what I want. I am and single parent of two young ladies and I lead by example I have walked and way with no hard feelings toward him because I have accepted that is what kind of person that he is. Only God can change him. I did my part by forgiving him so that I can move on peacefully. I will never settle for less again.

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  4. I love my husband greatly.....He and I have been married for 20 years and have 4 beautiful kids! All of which are doing extremely well socially, emotionally, spiritually, etc... With that said, the last thing that I would want to do is destroy their security and sense of happiness....but my husband and I both know that our love isn't gone, we love each other....the issue is that we have grown apart....and I am tired of his speeches about how he is emotionally not connected....or not excited about our marriage..etc... Honestly I want to leave for him to find HIS happiness because it is obvious that I don't make him "happy" any longer...but that is at the expense of my kids!

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    1. The only thing you are getting from this relationship is older. Don't worry about the kids, you can't help them until you get healthy. They are better off with two happy parents than two cold and miserable ones.

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  5. I have left the man I'm with, I came back to him after he begged and pleaded for weeks, I have nothing no family friends die to being with him. Things were rocky at first, but then they got better, and now things are bad again, he has females come to our home while I'm at work due to the fact of his business, but one woman in particular has said things to him in front of me, and if I leave the room their conversation becomes low, and now she only comes while I'm at work. He has a Facebook page which I'm not allowed to be a part of but she is, his phone stays locked and silent, his moods go from happy to mean day to day, I love this man but I don't like not trusting him and I don't like being unhappy, I wish I had the strength to leave again.

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    1. I know things are easier said then done but please leave this "boy". He is disrespecting you terribly and you are allowing it. I understand what you are going through cause I have been through it before but you have to love yourself more then you love him. You know deep down in your heart that he is cheating on you, you have all of the signs and he is bringing her to your home while you are at work. You need to leave and NEVER come back. He is doing these things cause you are allowing him to do it. You deserve to be treated better then he is treating you. But I am just going to say it one more time and it goes both ways. People will only treat you the way YOU allow them to treat you

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  6. I had believe the lies for a minute but knew all the time that he was cheating and doing other things. The only reason I'm still here is because I was injured on the job and can't seem to find another one no matter how and where I look. I want out of this hell hole so bad that I even considered and looked into taking my children to the homeless shelter on Skid Row But couldn't actually bring myself to put my children in that environment. So as of now I'm just dealing with this demonic person till I find a job, With the injuries that I have its been hard to find someone to hire me. I have no family or friends that I can ask for help so until I can find another job I'm stuck in this situation so it seems. I have forgiven and look past so many things that it's really redundant. I do realize that I'm worth way more than this person values me but I'm looking out for my children and trying to keep a roof over their heads. Although sometimes the verbal and emotional abuse doesn't seem worth it. I've seen to sacrifice myselfIn order to keep my children off the streets. I don't see my way out of this unless I find a job and able to get back on my feet. It's hard to pending on someone when you've been so independentBut it seems I have no choice but to forgiveAnd put up with this madness until I can earn a degree in another field and hopefully find a job. Thank you for postingYour video messages it gives me hope and inspiration that my situation will change as I'm doing everything I can on my end to better it. Many blessings to you and your family, take care

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    1. Sorry about the typos,using voice command..smh

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    2. I wouldn't want to give advice as I hear you don't have other options, you are sacrificing so much for those children, they will know that one day and life will get better. all I can do is offer my prayers and send you some good vibes, I really hope you get out of that situation soon. But in the meantime get some support. Much love to you

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  7. I know I sent u an email last week along the same lines. Me and my husband have been together for 13 Yrs. In the last 8 months he has moved in and out of my house three times and there has been numerous women over the last 8 months. Ended now while he is living in my home I just caught him again talking to try another women. I'm scared to let go because I'm afraid that I won't find someone else. all I want is to get the same love and affection that I give out. And there are kids involved too he has helped raise my son since he was 2 I'm scared and don't know what to do.

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  8. I recently just found out that my husband of 21 years had a 2 year affair with a woman half my age. He brought her to my home while I was at work, went to her house when he was supposed to be out with the guys and took her on business trips just to name a few. My original thought was to leave- I felt so disrespected and thought how do you say that you love me and are capable of doing this...
    He apologized broke it off with her and swore that he would never do it again, started counseling on his own and has been trying very hard to make it up to me but I still think about it and wonder if I am doing the right thing because obviously I don't trust him and have lost a lot of respect for him.
    He is my high school sweetheart and I will always love him, but I don't know if our relationship can ever be the same.
    Thoughts, suggestions or comments welcome!

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  9. The guy that I thought I was in a relationship with told me we are only dating and we hold no titles. He is in the military and I just ended a 27 year old relationship from my boyfriend/husband of two years, separated for one. The military guy was saying all the right things because he knew of the situation I just left and seemed sincere. He patently waited for me to come around and was a gentleman about everything. Even waiting over 90 days before we became intimate (which I am regretting terribly) I must admit I had a lot of feelings for him more than just dating. He has purchased jewelry for me, given me all his passwords and codes, and even his social security number, attend church with me but something still made me suspicious of him he didn't want to meet my family or if we were out he would give me a chance to introduce him to anyone. But even after he told me this I still slept with him. I wanted to leave so bad but I didn't. I knew about the other woman because he posted a picture of her by mistake and then said it was his sister friend, but I knew better but continued to be what I thought was a relationship instead of dating. Over the weekend I found out she has a fake profile on my facebook page. She broke up with the guy we both were seeing because she knows about me. She saw me calling when she was with him in January. I knew about her but didn't know her name till last week. He went to Alabama this weekend but didn't call me once and we usually talk or text on a daily basis I guess it hurts to know that he was constantly calling and texting her and he did not contact me any, but he told her the same thing, that he don't want a serious relationship, but we both thought we were. I know I need to let go and move on but how can a person be so cold and I am sure there are other. It's just that I was so happy. I thought he was God sent.

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    1. I am sure he has other women too. Besides me and the one I know about

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    2. The things we women go tru though...it jst makes relationships/marriage scary...sigh*

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    3. I know reading all this makes me grateful to still be single, though I have a long distance one, he wants to get married but since he was unfaithful I find it impossible to trust him again.

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  10. Thank you so much. REAFFIRMATION!!!! 3 years ago I finally walked away from a relationship that I was going through that cycle for over 11 years. I finally told him I was tired of settling. I would rather be alone then with him anymore. And my child and I have been doing wonderful every since. No regrets.

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  11. I NEED YOUR HELP
    makesia.cunningham@gmail.com

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  12. Thanks i needed that this morning. Been doing this 14 years and im tired i just dont know how to let go. I dont know what im so afraid of.

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  13. Thank you I definitely needed this! For the first time in my life, I continue to go back and forth with a man that broke things off with me after 3yrs. We had been seeing each since he ended our relationship up until February 28th I decided enough is enough! I know if my father and my grandmother was still alive they would have plenty of choice words for me. My mom has told me let go because if truly loved me he would have never left.

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  15. Because we sometimes focus on the time and work we put into the relationship, and not what we get out of it. Once you switch that thought process around, everything changes. Walking away and staying away becomes easier. These dudes are VERY predicatable. I was confused about forgiveness and thought that it meant that you embrace someone when they are trying to change. He used that against me. I grew tired of the same old repeats that were a relity in our relationship. When I filed for divorce he bought me the car I always wanted. At that time I was driving an old car that I bought with student loans. I declined to accept this new car that he bought me. I was done. Nothing could change that. My eyes were finally open to the ways and patterns of this man. I finally accepted and welcomed the truth about who he was and what I was doing to myself.If you're crying more than you smile, end it. When you walk away it is uncomfortable but you regain your self respect and everything becomes brighter. You are stronger than you think. Stop playing games with yourself. You know you're not happy. Stop focusing on how unfulfilled he is with you and realize he is NOT making you happy either. It's a two way street. Stop taking all the blame.

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  16. FYI most men have a hard time finding any women who they are satisfied with. They know that you will forgive them and they take us for granted. Once I walked away he wanted to change to have me back by that time I realized that I was not satisfied with him for the entirety of our relationship and I wouldnt be with him if he were the last man on earth. I'd take up a nice home and build a nice big fence around it. By boo boo ...

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  17. One last thing. He is remarried and seems to be happy, as she is with him. I wish him no harm or ill will. He was not the one for me.

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    1. hi stacie ive noticed your responses on some of Tony's blogs and your responses are very well put so I wanted to know if I can ask you a question on another topic that I am curious to know. Want to get your input. Whats the best way to ask. Pls advise. Thx.

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    2. You can e-mail me at stacied25@yahoo.com. Or you can always ask on here. If you could just write Tony gaskins blog, so that I know it's you and not junk mail, that would be great.

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    3. You can also email me at staceeeve33@gmail.com

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    4. Thank you Stacie. I.will email you from my gmail acct...I am a.real.person going thru a rough patch and coming out of.depression.

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  18. Hind sight is definitely 20/20. I gave him so many chances because I didn't think I would ever fall in love again after getting a divorce after 18 1/2 yrs of marriage. He also approached me as a perfect gentleman, military officer and minister. Desperately wanting to believe he let God change him, I stayed in a relationship (on and off) for two years. Each time he would come back apologizing saying he loved me and knew I was a good woman. However, in December I walked away for good realizing he wanted his cake and ice cream with sorinkles on top. I guess what was the hardest is realizing that everyone that proclaims to be a Christian is not living Christ like.

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  19. I think it is hard to leave after you have grown together because you believe he will get better and you also acknowledge you are not perfect. And, it's even harder to leave when your future plans are planned around being in that person's life even if they are thousands of miles away.

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  20. Hi, Tony. My husband keeps talking to/texting other women saying that they're just acquaintances. I've seen multiple inappropriate texts and has claimed he's stopped flirting with his coworker, claims he stopped talking to another, refuses (actions) to stop talking with one and keeps adding newbies.

    We have two boys and I'm scared to leave because of the effect on them. The older is from a previous marriage so this is his stepfather. He's living his own hurts from missing his biological father and I'm trying to protect him. The younger is very attached to his father; I and rightly so, but I think about his feelings too. Yes, I have my own fears for myself but my fears for them currently ahead of my own.

    I've been letting him know that I think it's disrespectful but he disagrees since he claims nothing sexual happened and supposedly isn't attracted to these people. Well, the text messages didn't seem that way. Now he locks his phone.

    I'm praying. I get prayer from prayer lines. People close to us are praying although I haven't shared the details. I'm at my wits end.

    I respect what your wife did. I did it with my first marriage but my son was too young to know what was happening. But am I wrong for what I feel about his actions? Am I wrong for staying? And if I'm gonna go back anyway, why leave? And how will I know he'llama really change?

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