Monday, March 9, 2015

Desperate for love...

When it comes to love, desperation is a weak emotion and it produces weak results. You have to know your worth and you have to be willing to wait as long as it takes to meet someone who will appreciate you. If you get desperate you will settle for anyone willing to show you a little attention. You will compromise your morals and values. You will compromise your self-respect and put up with stuff you always said you wouldn't. You'll give a boyfriend the benefits of a husband. Heck, you'll give a man who won't even give you a real commitment the benefits of a husband. You'll ignore everything you said you stood for and you'll settle. 

I'm speaking to the women on this one because in all of my life I've only seen one or two men do this.

The question I've receive the most are from women who are doing everything in their power to please and keep a man but that man won't give them a title or a real commitment. He wants to live together. He wants to split the bills. He wants to have all kinds of sex. He wants meals cooked, laundry done, and the house clean. BUT, he doesn't want to give you a title. He doesn't want to say you're his girlfriend. He doesn't want to get engaged. He doesn't want to get married. He might not even want to make the relationship public on Facebook and IG. 

I'm gonna put this simple. YOU'RE GETTING PLAYED!!!!

You're getting played like a deck of cards. You're getting played like parker brothers board games. You're getting played like the lotto. You've ignored every ounce of intuition God gave you. You know that man doesn't really love you or want you but you want love so bad that you're willing to do anything. You fell for the "let's take our time and not rush things" for so long that now you're afraid to walk away because of all the time you've invested. If it's been longer than a year and you've been sexing, fussing, and fighting you should have a real commitment by now. For starters you shouldn't be having sex. You shouldn't be living together. That's the mistake I made too and it almost ruined us for good. It's very hard to start over once you've built a mansion on the sand. You need a firm foundation. Living together and having sex before marriage isn't a firm foundation. You've put the cart before the horse. 

Separate the benefits package. This is how a relationship would go in an ideal world. 
1. The man approaches you and starts the courting process
2. You date without having sex
3. He asks you to be his woman exclusively and you all start a real relationship
4. The relationship becomes public
5. He is getting his life together and you're getting yours together. In example, he has his own place, job, and a car. You have your own place, job, and a car. 
6. He proposes. You accept. You set a wedding date no further than a year out. 
7. If you can't afford a wedding you go to the court house. That's what we did. 
8. You get married. Break your leases or sublease. Move in together. 
9. You build for a year or more and enjoy life as a married couple. 
10. You start a family if you don't already have kids but want some. 

That's how it would be done in a perfect world. That's how it was done in the Bible days. Today, we are doing our own thing. We don't have structure. We don't have rules. We don't follow God's blueprint. That's why our relationships are a mess. That's why we struggle so bad. That's why we fail so often. We are trying to create love but not following the instructions of the creator of love. 

Guess what? You can do it the right way and you can meet someone who will do it the right way with you. 

Will it be hard? Absolutely. Unless you're walking and talking with God and living by His word. If that's the case he will meet your needs when you NEED them. You have to be truly living right to activate that favor and those blessings. If you're faking it trying to make it, you won't make it. A man can tell if you're really about that righteous life or if you're a wolf in sheep's clothing. 

Here's what I would advise if your'e single and ready: 
1. Focus on yourself. Work as hard as you can and accumulate the things you should have and wait until you attract a man who is bringing the same to the table. He should be on your level. You shouldn't have to carry him, sponsor him, or raise him. 

2. Keep your legs closed and open your eyes. Date but don't "give it up." Let him court you while you pay attention to the signs. There are plenty of men willing to do it the right way for a woman who is right for him and ready for love. Keywords: right for him! 

3. BE PATIENT!! Occupy your time until it's your time. It may be 10 years, 20 years, or 30 years. The longer it takes, the greater you're supposed to be. The longer it takes means that there is more work you have to do. You're called to something higher than you're currently reaching and you have to reach higher. Everyone's life is different. You can't look at the next woman and expect to be married at the same time as her. You have a different call on your life and a different timeline. Occupy until it's your time. 

Here's what I would advise if you're in a relationship that's being built on sand:
1. Have a serious talk and state what you need to happen for the relationship to continue. 

2. Implement the changes you want to be made. Do relationship coaching. Watch and work for the next three months to see if any changes are made. This only applies if you're in a relationship where there is no present danger. 

3. Give a monthly reminder of the relationship goals at least once a month over those next three months. Keep working towards the goals and leading by example. If your partner is unwilling to grow, get coaching, or change; leave him and don't look back. He is a grown boy and he doesn't really love you or want you. He is confused about what being a man really is and he's caught up in ego. He wants to rebel because he thinks it's weakness to be taught or led. Let him go so he can grow. You need to heal, go, and grow. 

Don't settle for less than you're worth. Don't play house if you don't have a ring with a real commitment. You don't get what you're worth, you get what you require. No one can treat you less than you allow them to. Whatever you have is because you've allowed it and accepted it. If you don't  want it, change it. If you can't change it, leave it. Life is too short to waste your time with someone who is wasting their time. 

God bless, 
Tony G. 

*Real Love Tour is coming to a city near you. Come work with me live!! Tix-> CHICAGO  OAKLAND  CLEVELAND  ATLANTA  PHILLY  Other cities like Miami, New York, Dallas, Newark, etc will be added soon. 

*If you have a general question for the blog please submit it to advice@tonygaskins.com with the subject: BLOG QUESTION  


31 comments:

  1. GOD bless you Tony and may HE continue to grant you wisdom knowledge and understanding to help other in doing what HE has called you to do.

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  2. Thanks Tony. I really needed to hear that as I struggle with the pain. May God continue to work through you to give us knowledge and encouragement. May God bless.

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  3. No sex until marriage? That just doesn't seem realistic to me. I don't know any man who is willing to wait for sex. I'm not saying they don't exist...they just aren't anywhere near the surrounding Charlotte NC area. Honestly, a sexless relationship isn't too appealing to me either. Human beings have desires...sexual desires. I don't see the issue with sex as long as there is mutual respect and you're honest and open with your partner about what you need/want. I'm not sure what all it says in the bible about sex as I'm not a christian, yet. I would assume it says sex before marriage is wrong (along with a lot of other enjoyable things). But I'm sure there are other rules in the bible that all "christians" don't follow. So what is the harm in going against one? Especially when it goes against human nature?

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    1. If Christians are not following the rules God has laid out in the Bible, they aren't really Christians. Just lukewarm. God made humans, therefore there is nothing about us that God does not know. He knows that it is natural for us to want to have sex with someone we love, however sex was created to be for a husband and a wife. When you constantly give your body to people who are not your husband or wife you create soul ties. Those things that make it extremely hard for you to let go after you've had sex with someone.

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    2. A man whom has self-respect, self-love and respect and love for a woman will wait for sex until marriage. This is a grown Man I am talking about and not a grown Boy. Tony Gaskins clearly states that in this blog and in several of his other posts and videos. If a male does not want to wait to have sex until marriage, then he clearly does not love and respect that woman.

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    3. Hello :) . In the bible, 1 Corinthians 6:18 states "Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body". As you mentioned, there are other sins in the bible that we do not follow, as a matter a fact , it is impossible to stop sinning, that's why we need Jesus Christ. Fornication is not a worst sin, because of sin is sin, but it is not like any other sin. The verse says that you are not only sinning against God, but you are sinning against yourself. Sex is more powerful than people think. Soul ties are created through sex. You may not feel it because I am assuming that you are a male. But for women,sexuality is very powerful. Dont believe me ? Think about like this - when a women is beat on vs a women being rape. There not even in the same category. A woman can get over being beat, but rape scars for life - and most women never get over it, because it's tied to our sexuality. Anyways - I bet if you meet the love of your life and she wants to wait, you will be willing to wait.

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    4. No, I'm a female. Having sex with a guy doesn't make me feel tied to him in any way afterwards. Unless of course I actually have feelings for him (which I don't always have). Sometimes I just want the physical aspect without the commitment. At the same time I'm not gonna let a guy pressure me into it if that's not what I want. If I ever meet the love of my life and he's willing to wait, I'll wait. Sometimes I just feel like believing that there is a guy out there who will wait is the same as believing in Unicorns. I'd like to think they exist, but...

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    5. Hi....I was in the same mindset as you. I have the ability to have sex without emotional attachment. But what was interesting, is the the men I engaged with became attached to me! A friend put those reactions from those men in perspective for me, saying that those men become connected too, regardless of what they say. Sex wasn't meant to be casual. It's a binding experience on all levels....plus, Tony used to sex around too before he changed his ways. And what I have learned from Tony and from all of my good us friends is that a man won't appreciate what he doesn't have to work for, you feel me? He also won't respect fully what he doesn't have to work for. For them, having all their hard work pay off (meaning respecting your boundaries, morals, values) shows when you get married, taking his last name, earning your heart...whatever that prize is to him

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    6. Yeah...true. Respect is an issue. Which is why I don't do casual sex/friends with benefits type relationships anymore. I didn't like the way it made me feel. Even if no one catches feelings, at some point the level of respect starts to decrease. It goes from friends with benefits to all benefits and no friendship (if there ever truly was one). Either way, I realized I wasn't okay with a guy wanting me for just sex.

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  4. I really needed dis been in a relationship for a month nd Ve made de mistake of havin sex nd he's beginnin to ask up nd I can't stand it so am leavin him today nd made up my mind to move on nd not dwell on my mistake dis has Jst encouraged me keep up de Gud work

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  5. Thanks for the advise. You're great. May God continue to bless you and yours.

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  6. Amen! Couldn't have said it better myself. Single, celibate and happy for 8 years. I've been busy raising babies. I haven't been looking.

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    1. Good for you! I just recently became single back in November and I am learning to respect my body and follow Gods path. Being celibate will be a challenge. However I will continue to be better me. Thanks for sharing! And thank you Tony!

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    3. It's very good to hear that. It's such a blessing. Being celibate became easy for me once I thought about my previous experiences with sex. There were times where I would want to have sex, and I would do it, and it was not satisfying, or I couldn't fully get into it because I didn't really care for the person. ( i was not terribly promiscuos, but I have had a one night stand). Guys don't really know what they're doing most of the time. I can say that every woman I know has said the same thing. Even now, I have moments when I miss having sex but I really want to experience it with someone special, who I love. Anything less would be dissapointing and I've come too far. I wish you the best on your new journey. There's is no greater blessing than following the path that God has for you.

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  7. Amen! Yes!
    Awesome points.. This was a MUST repost!

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  8. Tony is right, waiting does work. I have a friend who just got engaged to great guy who is RIGHT for her in every sense. After only dating for 5 months, he proposed. She is waiting until they get married to have sex and their wedding will be within a year of them meeting. She is also thriving in her career.

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  9. God bless you for this. I find it hard to enter relationship because most of the men want the benefit of a husband, which cannot happen. But it's soothing to know There are still good people out there who haven't been overwhelmed by lies.

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  10. You are truly a blessing to single women who desire to be married. I've learned the hard way that "grown boys" also come in the form of ministers/reverends. I dated a man who I thought lived me and wanted to marry me. I made it clear up front ( since I was previously married for 18 1/2 yrs) that I was dating for marriage. Unfortunately, I comprosed the godly life I had lived for over 12 yrs to find out he was engaged to another woman out of state. The signs and lies were there, but I wanted so bad to believe he was serious with God and truly changed. After more chances the scales came off my eyes. I also. informed the fiance again but as for me I refuse to go back to what God delivered me out of. I finally realized I was being played and so was she because if you truly love and want to marry someone, you won't repeatedly keep lying and cheating on them. #hard lesson learned

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  11. Wow! That's all I can say - wow.
    Thank you for this! It spoke so strongly.

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  12. Thank you Tony for being such an awesome inspiration. Do you have plans to tour in the UK soon?

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  13. God bless you Tony! I really needed this. You have inspired & changed my life on a daily basis

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  14. Tony you really inspire me & your words gave me the encouragement to pick of the pieces and move on as I put my dreams, goals, & aspirations aside trying to be a loving virtuous wife to my husband whom I later found out after marriage was a "grown boy" he fit the characteristics of this title to a T. Lord knows I tried to make my marriage work but he meeting me half way on no attempts so I told him he had to go, we have been separated now for 2yrs & I must I have been nothing but blessed and receiving so much favor from God. See I know I did the right thing in leaving this boy, bcuz God spoke to me 1st & sent me confirmation thru others, & your words were the ones I needed to finally make me listen & understand that it was not me it was him, thou I knew this I was rebelling against, I didn't believe in divorce as I am Christian woman that was always taught that you don't divorce but when I read the bible for myself & gained my own wisdom & understanding, I knew all was well! I pray for you & appreciate favor God has placed on your life to speak such wisdom to these men/woman of today as it is so needed...May God continue to Bless you beyond measures!!!

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    1. AMEN. You are not alone. This is exactly my story. I too found out my husband was 'playing at being a man'. I prayed and God revealed all his cheating and perversions in one swift act. Then I knew in my soul it was done. On that day, I walked and never turned back. Lucky escape, cuz some of the people he cheating with had STD. It's unfortunate people lie rather than do the work to be and do better. Please don't risk your lives enabling this behaviour. Teach your self first and then teach your kids better by your own example. Let's have better futures by investing in ourselves.

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  15. Wheweeee....we HAVE to do better at being patient and WAITing...and STOP BEING CONVENIENT! See we tend to call it being loyal and being a "best friend"...so we STAY thinking in the back of our minds that we can "outsmart" a man and what he WANTS to do. Men know at EVERY POINT of a relationship what they see you as...and quite frankly...as long as we continue being "CONVENIENT"...we will be PLAYED CONVENIENTLY. Real talk. Pleaseeee check out my spoken word DIRECTLY about this topic. http://youtu.be/YAdVYnxjZXM OR http://youtu.be/hYf2Uu9fhm8

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  16. Nice read. We need to get back to the basic of life and live the way God wants us to live.

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  17. This really got me thinking....I really didn't expect much from men before but now with God on my side I value myself much more


    I really needed to read this God bless you Tony. I shared this with all my friends and I know it was needed.

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  18. Thank you Mr Gaskins, may God continue to bless you. I really appreciate you

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  19. Hello Tony. I've been dating my boyfriend for three months. The first day we met, it felt like we've known each other for years. He told me that the Lord told him that I'm the one, and that I will be his wife. At first, I was freaked out but after getting to know him, I was okay with the possibility of maybe one day being his wife. When we first met, he told me that he had a roommate but they agreed not to bring their girlfriends to their apartment in order to keep the drama down. That was fishy to me so I kept my eyes and ears open. After a month or so, something told me to ask my 40 yr old boyfriend if he lived with his parents. His answer was yes and that he was afraid to tell me because he was embarrassed. I let it go and moved forward. Since then, his father passed away and he's been acting distant. I wanted to be there for him as much as possible but he continued to push me away. I attended the funeral, but I can tell that he really didn't want me there. The calls have slacked up, and he's been texting instead of calling. When I mention it, he says that he's dealing with his father's death and that his obligation is to his mother right now. He told me that I am the first woman that he has ever allowed to get that close to him and this is new to him. Should I go on with the relationship and give it time, or should I let it go?

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  21. Thank You Jesus for the wisdom instilled in this man... This is awsome! I have never given any of my ex boyfriends(and I've only been in two relationships ) the benefits of marraige , never moved in with them and never had sex with none of them. I got saved at a very young age and the Lord revealed His love to me at 19. He instilled His morals,values, holiness & righteousness & Godly fear in me at a very young age  which is why I'm 24 and still a virgin and I'm so grateful to Him that I still am because it saved me from a lot of regret, heartache, unwanted pregnancies and soul ties & plus the grown boys I've dated were in it just to get into my pants & were very ungodly -not husband material at all luckily I was smart and never gave it up. God is sooo good. I'm Keeping myself for marraige firstly because of the love I have for Jesus and secondly because when you keep God's principles you will reap His benefits. I know how sacred sex is because it's created by God for marraige. Keep your legs closed until marriage ladies, you are not going die. With God it is possible. And plus your body is temple the Holy Spirit  and it needs to be pure for the King to dwell in.
    A Godly man will NEVER insist on doing ungodly things. They are God fearing men out there &  never will I submit to man who ain't submitted to my first love, Christ ♡

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